The quality of my life and all my life experiences depend on no one but me. 

This is a very simple yet profound Teaching. Every moment of life is an opportunity to determine the quality of my life, love and relationships because every moment I have a choice…how I speak, what I think, what I say, what I hear, and what to do. When I take responsibility for myself and my life I do not blame others for anything I feel or anything I did or do. I do not blame others for my misery, pain, suffering or failures. Self responsibility empowers me to recognize any failures as an opportunity to learn and grow.

Today I do not view any part of my life as a failure. I no longer have pain, misery or suffering within myself. I see the value and worth in every moment. I recognize my life as a journey of learning, of growing and more importantly of Knowing myself and Trusting in the process of my life.

Through Self Responsibility we take back our power, we are no longer the victim of life or circumstances…we realize that in every moment I have the power to CHOOSE what I think, what I say and what I do. This includes accepting myself as I am in any given moment. Accepting that life circumstances do NOT define Who I Am. Learning from our life experience we have the power to become a better person, to create a better life and this is what helps us to create a better world. As I become a better person…the world becomes a better place. The best place to begin this practice is right in our own home.

Relationships can be full of reaction. Relationships can be full of Samskara's (Sanskrit for emotional buttons). All of these teachings are part of what my teacher referred to as Raja yoga,which he described very simply as mastery of mind and emotions.

Being in relationship with the solid foundation of these Teachings gives me the opportunity to be a better partner in every way. I take responsibility for what I feel…no one can "make me" feel something. How often in my past did I say those words…you make me feel this, you make me feel that…this is blaming someone else for my own inner experience. No one can make me feel anything.

As I practice self responsibility I am more aware of the energy I carry, the energy I bring into the world and the energy around me. I am more aware of all areas of myself and my life and choose to rise to my highest capabilities each day. May we all do our part to practice self responsibility, to heal our inner self, and our relationships. As I heal myself…I learn to love myself and this is what makes me a better partner, better friend, mother and person. This is how we become a living, vibrant beacon of Light, Love and Peace in our home, our community and the world.

With love & blessings,

Kathleen

On Friday I went into the hospital for the procedure and was to be on my way  home a few hours later…but something happened. The very last part of an Angiogram is when the doctor injects the dye for the pictures. I was completely sedated and had no idea what was happening…until my throat closed and I couldn't breathe or swallow. I've had contrast dye many times over the years and never had a reaction, but this time I had a severe reaction (Anaphylactic shock), the worst reaction my doctor has seen in his 22 years doing this procedure. I am truly grateful that if this had to happen…it happened when and where it did. Though I was sedated I was aware in some way of what was happening. I could feel my body struggling to breathe and swallow and then go into tremors that felt like I was bouncing all over the table. I could hear the doctors and nurses surrounding me injecting me with heavy doses of steroids and Benadryl, moving me, and quite frankly…saving me. Once I was stable enough they moved me to Critical Care where I remained for 3 days.

Sedation is a funny thing…I could have a conversation and yet I was out of it. Today it all seems like a dream…something surreal that I am processing.

After I was placed in Critical Care the phone rang and it was the man I love. The past two weeks of time out gave him the time he needed to realize that he loves me and that we share something that is beyond anything he has ever experienced. In his words…you are my girlfriend, my best friend, my teacher and my mentor…more than anything I've ever had with anyone and I can't imagine my life  without you. So he came to the hospital and stayed with me, held my hand and then brought me home when I was released.

This is the first time  I have ever, in a relationship, allowed space like this to be. Though I was heartbroken and cried every day, I felt a peace within letting go and in this letting go….he found his way. As a teacher I could have walked him through this but this time I knew he needed to figure it out on his own and if he didn't that I would be ok, that I would go on…that life goes on. In this freedom his heart opened, he missed me, missed us and made the choice to willingly look within himself. It is his willingness that I love most about him…he is not afraid to own his decisions and make it right. This is one of the necessary qualities for a great relationship when both are willing to look within, to be honest and then take that challenge and make it an opportunity to grow and learn enriching our friendship and love. 

There was no drama just beautiful, peaceful heartfelt conversation, some tears and sweet words to fill the heart. It has taken most of my lifetime to realize the value of patience. Love is patient…love is kind. As I process the events of the past week and all testing reveals my radiant health I reflect on matters of the heart…I am so deeply blessed and grateful for the skill and care of the nurses and doctors and most of all for the beautiful love and friendship of family, friends….and of course the man in my life. My heart is healthy and filled with love for myself, for him, for life and for All.

With love & blessings,

Kathleen

If there is anything I can offer to anyone in relationship it is the importance of focusing on the positive. The mind is either friend or foe and somewhere in relationship mind will start to search for anything negative…even the best of relationships. This is where we have a choice…we can choose to focus on the positive in those we love…or we can choose to focus on the negative.

The mind is an amazing thing…it can take one little negative thought and completely unravel a world of good. This is where developing the witness through meditation is of vital importance to our inner joy and happiness. Learning how to watch my mind has been one of the most powerful tools in my life. Anytime mind tries to attach to a negative thought I am aware of it, which gives me the opportunity to change it. Fear will lead the mind to focus on the negative and then the negative begins to grow until one can no longer see the positive in a situation. There were times in my relationship that I was aware of things that were red flags. I did not ignore them, I am fully aware of them, but I didn't have an attachment to them either because I knew that in time when schedules changed I could look at them then if they were still present. There was so much good, so many wonderful things about us that I chose to focus on that…all that is good…I knew everything else would fall away and if not I would address it then. I observed how the mind really really wanted to go to that negativity…like a magnet to steel. Without hesitation I chose to focus on the positive. Witnessing my mind and having the strength and awareness to change it is yet another invaluable fruit of meditation

The Teachings are simple and yet so profound. What we focus on gets stronger. May you focus on the positive in yourself and your life. May you focus on the positive in the people you love and know. May you focus on the positive in your home, workplace, community, our country and the world. Namaste.

With love & blessings,
Kathleen

I miss our conversations, miss our time together, all of it but I also knew and know he needs space to grow and learn more about himself.

Between the tears and the ache in my heart…I let go. I look at myself, turn within to learn and grow.

One of my dear friends was so stunned by our break up that she isn't so sure God will bring someone wonderful into her life. Some friends feel like the rug has been pulled out from under them because of this. I guess we all hope for the love of a lifetime. We all hope that if it can happen to someone else…it can happen for me.

I have not lost faith in finding the love of a lifetime…because I have learned to love myself to know that I deserve someone who will love me with their whole heart, their whole soul, body and mind. I am not afraid to love again because I have learned that life without loving with everything I am…is no life at all. This is LIVING. We love, we hurt, we laugh, we cry, we dance, we fall down, we are born, and we die…such is the cycle of life. I choose to be fully awake, aware and alive and this means loving with my whole heart and giving life all I have to give.

I love so deeply…and I grieve as deeply as I love. My love will not change and perhaps that is the gift of letting go. I choose to hold on to all that is good…to focus on the good, to live with joy and at the same time allow the tears to fall and the ache in my heart to be. Letting go does not mean loving less…perhaps in some way…it's about loving more.

Quite often students will share with me choices and decisions they make based on a meditation experience. When they describe the experience it is quite often full of thought, emotion, fear, etc. Clearly they have made a choice or decision…some even life changing…from a place far removed from their center and authentic self. A mind filled with fear, anxiety, whirling thoughts from past and future is not a calm, clear, tranquil mind. It is more like the stream of water in a storm, raging, whirling, filled with debris…but when we can calm the water of the mind, eliminate the debris…the water settles down to a point of stillness, without ripples, clear enough to see the bottom…every rock, pebble, fish, and all that exists beneath the surface is clearly seen. 

Meditation takes effort and practice. It is not something easily attained. For years I showed up every day on my mediation cushion and would sit for an hour. For several years I did this twice a day…early morning and at night. Eventually my self discipline paid off…and meditation came more and more easily. Today I can slip easily into a meditative state, some days I need to put forth more effort to calm and clear mind all techniques learned from years of training.

Some students ask if they can meditate lying down. With all my experience I have never been able to meditate lying down. When I lay down…I drift off to sleep, dream or fantasize. I was taught that meditation must be done in an upright position for proper breathing and alignment of the spine for proper flow of the spinal fluid. One can sit in a chair or on a meditation cushion.  I learned to meditate after opening the body and the breath which then calms and clears the mind.That is why at the end of class we all feel so good, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.  For all my students who seek to understand meditation I offer the following from the Masters:

"Meditation is a tranquil mind, it is the liberation of the mind from all disturbing and distracting emotions, thoughts and desires.

"The word meditation is used in many ways, and that is why there is so much confusion about what it is and how to practice it. Some people use the word to mean thinking or contemplating; others  use it to refer to daydreaming or fantasizing. Meditation is not any of these. It is a specific technique for resting the mind and attaining a state of consciousness that is totally different form the normal waking state. In meditation you are fully awake and alert, but your mind is not focused on the external world or on the events taking place around you. Neither is your mind asleep, dreaming, or fantasizing. Instead, it is clear, relaxed and inwardly focused."

"Because the mind has a tendency to dwell in the grooves of its old habit patterns, or to imagine experiences which may occur in the future, it does not really know how to be in the present, here and now, which is our link with the eternal.  Only meditation teaches us to fully experience the now. The the help of meditation techniques, the mind is made one-pointed and inward and attains the power of penetrating into the deeper levels of our being. Then it does not create distractions or deviations but instead achieves the power of concentration."

"In order to meditate you will need to learn…

How to relax the body.

How to sit in a comfortable, steady position for meditation.

How to make your breathing process serene.

How to calmly witness the objects traveling in the train of your mind.

How to inspect the quality of your thoughts and learn to promote those which are positive and helpful to your growth.

How to remain centered and undisturbed in any situation, whether you judge it to be bad or good."

"Turning Inward…If we observe life clearly, realize that from our childhood onward, we have been educated only to examine and verify things in the external world. No one has taught us how to look within, to find within, and to verify within. Therefore, we remain strangers to ourselves, while trying to get to know others. This lack of self-understanding is the reason our relationships don't seem to work, and why confusion and disappointment prevail in our life…We are taught how to move and behave in the outer world, but we are never taught how to be still and examine what is within ourselves. When we learn to do this through meditation, we attain the highest of all joys that can ever be experienced by a human being…the joy of meditation is immense and everlasting."

An excerpt from The Perfect Relationship; Swami Muktananda  "Tukaram wrote, tathasta te dhyana, Meditation is total stillness.If one meditates deeply for one hour each day, the intoxication that results will last for the other twenty three hours. but one's meditation has to be so deep that the waves of the mind become still."

My own experience with meditation is like anything else…the more I practice the more I become what I practice. I get on my Yoga mat to open my body and breath to prepare for sitting meditation. As I calm and clear the mind through asana (poses) and pranayama (breath), japa (rosary-prayer) I move to a place of nothing…no mind. In the nothing I find clarity, insight, Truth, Wisdom, Knowledge and Peace.

May you create time each day to meditate. May any and all decisions, especially life-changing decisions and choices, come from your Center. May you remember your Center is Spirit, Soul and your greatest Guide. There is no fear in Spirit…fear exists in the mind. In Spirit there is no mind. May you remember that YOU are the CREATOR of YOUR OWN LIFE. We create our experience of life by what we say, what we do, what we think at any given moment. As I teach in Yoga classes….inner peace is our greatest power. When we can move through life with inner peace in all situations, make choices and decisions with clarity and equanimity we experience the real fruits of meditation.

I have always shared my life experience with my readers and students and every moment is an opportunity to learn and teach.  Friday night, March 30th exactly six months to the day we met, he ended our relationship.  When I went to bed that night my body was rigid with shock, the ache in my heart and a mind in rewind trying to figure where this came from. I did not get one moment of sleep….and then the tears began to fall.

This is a challenging time for me as I am undergoing some physical issues as well and I ache to be held through the night, safe and warm in loving arms. But for now I grieve…deeply. My grief is as deep as my joy was high and I'm allowing it to be what it is. My heart aches, feels shattered and I cry. I honor my sorrow it is as sacred as my joy. I know people are always saying I am strong…yes this is true but I am as soft as I am strong. I am as vulnerable as anyone else and for now I grieve. There was a time I might want to run from this, numb myself to it but I know that there is great purpose and meaning in a broken heart. I love him. I miss him already…and I'll always love him. Real love, pure love never changes…love is not conditional…love remains love.

Everything changes. Joy becomes sorrow and one day sorrow becomes joy again. Life is meant to be lived and I have chosen to live it fully and I'd do it all over again to know this kind of love. May you do the same. May you love with your whole heart and soul…and grieve with your whole heart and soul when it is time.

Speak to us of Love…

"When love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him. Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.  For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun; so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; and then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast. All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; for love is sufficient unto love.

"When you love you should not say "God is in my heart," but rather, " I am in the heart of God." And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire than to fulfill itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; and to bleed willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy; To return home at eventide with gratitude; And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips."          Kahlil Gibran

With love & blessings,

Kathleen

Prayer was a form of begging for most of my life…begging for change, begging for someone else to change-especially my husband or boyfriend, begging for changes in other peoples lives, and in my own. I was always trying to change everything through prayer and now I recognize this as trying to change the course of someone's life and journey. I remember how daily I begged the heavens for one thing after another. God will you please fix this, fix that, fix me, and fix them? God can you please get rid of my drop foot? Get rid of pain and suffering? You can do anything can't you make life more easy, with no pain, no suffering, no hunger, and no war? God, you can do anything…why aren't you FIXING everything?

Over the course of the last several years I have found peaceful acceptance with what is, peaceful acceptance of the course of my life and everything my life encompasses. That does not mean I agree with what is going on in the world around me but I've learned the difference between what I can change and what I cannot. I cannot change anyone else. I cannot rightfully change the course of another life…I can only change myself. I have learned to respect and value the course of another life. I have learned through my own life experience that every moment of our life has value, meaning and purpose. Every moment counts and directs the course of life and every moment of life is meant to teach us something. As a Reiki Master I no longer have the illusion of seeking to fix anyone on my table, I surrender as a channel of God's Love and Light with no expectations and with the understanding that God dwells within each and every human being. When we understand that God dwells within us…we need look no further than within because our loving God has placed within us all that we need to make this journey and to realize our full potential.

What I have learned is to bless the life of others…to bless them with love as they make their way through illness, through tragedy, challenge and obstacles on their journey and to support them with loving kindness. There is a great freedom in this through peaceful acceptance of life's course, life's purpose and meaning. There is a difference between praying to fix life and blessing life. As I bless life, I am simply strengthening and supporting the life in others…because we all have what we need within us to make this journey.  When I strengthen and support the life in you I am affirming your own strength, your own courage, your own resilience and ability.  I have come to realize that blessing life is empowering, the illusion of trying to fix life diminishes the Gift of Life. We all have purpose, we are all here for a reason, and if we are blessed, if we do our work, we Understand and Know that we are the creator of our life by what we think, what we say, and what we do with the deepest understanding that Life will take us places we never dreamed of, places we might not understand and this is where I have learned my most valuable lessons.

On this beautiful Spring like morning I hold Melissa's family tenderly in my heart, I think of them and know that this journey will take them places that are painful and full of meaning, full of purpose that will cultivate compassion, love, understanding and kindness. Whenever I think of my own journey through cancer and life challenges I vividly picture the Hands of the Potter…masterfully forming and shaping the clay into His Masterpiece. God is the Potter and we are the clay….Melissa and her family are in the very best of Hands, the Knowing Hands and the most Loving Hands of all.

With love and blessings,

Kathleen

When we listen to TV or the radio and don't like what we are hearing or are not in agreement with what we are hearing…we change the channel. We can do the same with our mind…change the channel and change the thought. Thinking negatively? Change the channel to positive thoughts. Changing the channel of our mind is no easy task. What I have observed in my own life is this mind has been in control, loves being in control and doesn't relinquish control very easily. It takes work and more importantly Awareness.

I remember the moment when my Yoga teacher gave a lecture about the mind. It was a moment of reckoning for me…wow…I have the power to control my thoughts? Who knew? Then the fun began; the next level of training was to develop "the witness" to strengthen that something within me that can "watch the mind". I quickly realized the "witness" is my Soul, Spirit, the Light or Divinity within. The more I empower my Spirit the less power mind has over me and my life. The mind ruled my life and my world…an endless whirlwind of thought constantly getting stuck and playing over and over again, leaving me walking through life unconsciously because mind was anywhere but right here, right now.

This past weekend I was driving to an event where I was a guest speaker. It was the largest venue for me so far, over 200 people in attendance. I was about 2 miles from my destination when my car phone rang and the voice on the other end gave me some very shocking and devastating news. I pulled over for a few moments, grateful for the presence of my Cheryl (whom I affectionately call my 2nd daughter). Once the conversation ended I drove to the event. I sat through about 2 hours of wonderful entertainment and yet mind began to wander to this news which rocked my world. As I observed mind and what every thought was doing to me and my body…I took a breath and focused the whirling thoughts on every note, every tune, every movement on the stage. I totally focused on the present moment. When I was introduced I walked up on stage and gave the best inspirational talk I've ever given. Once the event was over and I was in my car I allowed the tears to fall, the trembling to return and went home to deal with this news.

Changing the channel of the mind does not mean repressing emotion. What I have learned to do is to compartmentalize the thoughts. I knew I would allow the emotions and thoughts to return once my responsibility and obligation was done…and that is what I did. The most empowering teachings I have learned through the tradition of Yoga I studied is Raja –mastery of mind and emotion as my teacher so simply put it. There is nothing in my life and my world more powerful than knowing mind and using it as the tool it is. The Master of this mind…is my Spirit…the Divine within me.

The mind can be our greatest friend…or our worst enemy. We have the power to make that choice.

May you know that you too have the power to change your thoughts, to be aware of your thoughts and to live a more peaceful and centered life…just change the channel.

With love & blessings,

Kathleen

In my prior blog I mention my granddaughter and the gift she is to us just by Being. In her infancy she is pure, innocent, a Divine Light encased within a beautiful infant body. She is an expression of a Soul just waking to new life and the world. Just by Being she has opened our hearts and brought so much more love into our lives. Through this observation I realize each of us is a Gift to the world…but we must choose what kind of gift we are. We always have the power to choose what kind of gift we will be. To do this we must be mindful of our thoughts, our words and our actions at all times.

As I enter the magic of the holidays I reflect on the question:  what kind of Gift will I be? What kind of Gift am I to the world? What kind of Gift am I as mother, partner, friend, daughter, neighbor, and fellow human being? How do I feel at the end of each day about the kind of Gift I am?

Fifty six years of life bring wisdom and experience beyond anything we can learn from books or others. I have learned the value of kindness and the sorrow of poor choices. I have learned that words spoken can bring great joy and deep wounds. I have learned that a smile can change everything. I have learned that gratitude is an ongoing blessing to my life. I have learned that any discord within is a result of distance or separation from the Divine within me. I have learned that I must nurture my relationship with the Divine within through my spiritual practices and meditation. I have learned that in order to be the Gift I am meant to be I must remain in alignment with the Divine within. I have learned that the greatest gift I can give to others…is the gift of myself.

The new year is a great time to set intention for the year to come and each year I spend time in meditation reflecting on the past year and projecting goals and positive energy to the new year. I surrender to the Divine Light within and ask how I can best serve myself and the world around me. I surrender to being a full expression of the very best of myself each day and ask that I continue to serve others by how I love and how I live. I surrender to being the Gift I am meant to be. May you recognize that you are the Gift, may you be a Divine expression of who you are and like my granddaughter…be the gift just by Being.

With love & blessings,

Kathleen

I acknowledge as I look deeply into her eyes…she is my new Teacher. I know I will learn so much from her innocence, her Beginners Mind, her ability to fully experience the moment where there is no tomorrow, no yesterday, only now.

Tears filled my eyes in that moment and I realize that Emma is a gift just by Being…and aren't we all? Isn't every human being meant to be a gift to the world just by Being? The same Divine Light is within us throughout time. When we acknowledge that we are Spirit, Soul and eternal we claim a responsibility to Be all that we are meant to be. God has lovingly placed within us all that we need to Be a full expression of who we are. Every Gift within is a blessing of God and meant to be shared and expressed. Can you believe you are a Gift?

Emma teaches me this Truth…each of us are a gift just by being. May you nurture your Spirit. May you remember who you are. May you be a full expression of who you are. May you live in alignment with the Divine Light within you…and may you always remember that YOU are the Gift. There is no one like you, you are unique and an essential part of the Whole…and may you remember that Just by Being…you make a difference in the world.

With love & blessings,

Kathleen